Jelly Shoes

This is Judah Joshua also known as my mini me...

  Always such a ham even in peoples wedding photos...

Here is Judah being a stud like his daddy ;) in yet another wedding! I could rent this child out for weddings and make a fortune! 

This little man has such a tender heart and huge calling on his life. You can already tell that this little warrior is going to do amazing things for the Lord some day. He is liked by all that come in contact with him, his personality can make the grumpiest of people smile and this little man is a lesson learner and teacher. He is, however, a human man child and can make my blood boil like none other! He is impulsive, impatient, assumes everything and is LOUD. Did I mention he is just like his mother?! Keepin it real people! 

Today he opened my eyes a little bit to the struggles of being so little in a big big world. Miss O has no summer wardrobe so I bought her some new shoes at Walmart. Not that big of a deal in a big peoples world but to Mr. 2 J's (this is what his daddy calls him) it was the END OF THE WORLD! He became a puddle when she showed him her new jelly shoes. Remember those ladies? I remember having a pink pair that I loved! Ju Ju (also a name we call my poor boy)didn't find this new purchase acceptable. He asked why didn't he get anything and where was his new pair of shoes was. I told him we would buy him some another week and went on with getting lunch ready, groceries away and the kiddos ready for nap time. I thought it was over and life would move on. We came home from getting the oldest little from school and Ju Ju burst into tears again. I asked gently about why he was a blubbering mess. He said the shoes again and I got a little irritated at his nagging about the shoes when I had already told him that his time would come. There was something in his face that said this was a bigger issues then just the shoes. So I called him over to me and held him in my arms. He looked up at me with the most sincere face and said, " Mom this waiting is hard stuff!" Um I felt like taking my palm and slapping it against my forehead. You know one of those "DUH" moments. I keep telling him to have patience and patience is waiting without asking but I neglected to talk about the waiting part. About how when we ask for something and we don't get it right away its not that we won't get it or it won't happen but that we have to wait on the right time and right when you want it isn't usually the right time. This is so applicable in my life! I told his mommy has had to wait for some pretty big things and will probably have to wait for some even bigger things in her life just like he has to wait for new summer shoes. 

Whether its shoes or a house or a college acceptance. We all have to wait, but as parents if we take a step back from our big people word and realize that these little buggers we are raising have no clue about anything we can teach them so much and they can teach us even more. Are you waiting for something and you think it should be right now that it happens? Are you throwing a fit like Judah because you aren't getting what you want? Take a step back and wait. Because all good things come in time.  Judah will learn that when we gets his new shoes, which I will purchase next week. 

Future Back

I could sit here and type about how long its been yada, yada, yada. Yup its been a while! Yup I have gone back on my word about blogging regularly...shot me! I am human. SHOCKER, I know!

Here I am again in the world of words. And boy a lot has gone on this past winter/spring. The weather in northern Maine was horrendous this year and it snowed for a billion days....no exaggeration. There were more canceled church services this year then any other in my life. And since I am a Pastors wife I measure time by church services. With all that snow came a whole lot of dark days which means a whole lot of staying inside. I would love to tell you that I cleaned out all my closets, organized and painted and made home made meals every day. But alas I can not tell a lie. I sat and watched all kinds of stupid mind numbing tv, we ate out a lot, I let laundry pile up and then spent an ENTIRE day digging my way out of mount laundry lot. I did paint....but only 1 room out of the 3 I wanted to have done by june....I HATE PAINTING! When I say it was a horrendous winter do you now believe me???

There is a light at the end of the eternal winter blues that I went through..By the way...I absolutely blame the never ending winter on Disney! No need to embellish upon that, if you are human you know what I am sayin! Back to the light...I am actually not sure what changed exactly. It could have been the fact that I was so sick of sucking in my over weight stomach to button my pants, or the fog I walked around in for months, or how annoying I was to myself never mind my poor family. But I decided to do something for myself and try a lifestyle change in the area of eating and exercising. It killed me! I needed to be killed. After 30 days it really worked! For the first time since having children I felt like myself again. Noah, my oldest, is 7...yes I said 7! Its been 7 years since I really felt like myself, good in my skin. Not great yet but good. I have dropped 22lbs and over 30 inches since March 8th. YAY ME! I am one PROUD woman! And I think its okay to be proud of myself in this area. Don't rain on my parade.

I have had this great momentum in staying disciplined and motivated in eating correctly, exercising, running races, being able to say NO to foods I use to love and loved me back in all the wrong places. UNTIL after our women's retreat when I can home so exhausted I couldn't get off the couch. When I get to that level of exhaustion I get sick so of course I got very ill last week with a horrific cold. Ive been getting better and stronger, I mean really how can a cold knock you out like this?! I was shocked but relieved in a way. I didn't want to get off the couch again. I watched mind numbing tv, mount laundry lot was back and I did't really answer my phone. Im gonna say it like it is, I was depressed. Its a battle I wage war against every day. Its a real battle. And last week it had its way with me.

In the midst of last weeks battle I was trolling on Itunes seeing whats new and improved in the music world I love. I came across this worship group called Fellowship Creative. They are great! go check them out if you haven't heard of them. Funky, cool sound with powerful lyrics. Well I played them in the car on the way to get my oldest ones from school. Since my children are my offspring they have an impeccable recollection for lyrics and melodies, a gift and a curse in this case. There is this one song that Miss O is obsessed with called Future Back. She learned the lyrics in 2.5 seconds it seems and DEMANDS and when I say demands she screams and cries until this song is on and repeating the entire ride. I have gotten pretty sick of this demand. Until yesterday. We were waiting for Noah to get out of school and Miss O got her way and this song was on repeat. I had been chatting with one of my girl friends about my lack of motivation and not in so many words she said GET YOUR BEHIND OFF THAT COUCH AND MOVE WOMAN! And to that I replied with a NO. But then I finally heard it. I heard the message of the song my daughter has been demanding. It really wasn't her demanding it was the Holy Spirit through her trying to wake me up to the lyrics of this song....Future Back by Fellowship Church

Chorus:
Take One Step Forward And Don’t Look Back
Cause Your Past Is Dead And Gone
Your Chains Are Broken, Take Your Future Back
Cause The Best Is Yet To Come

Verse:
We’re Taking One Step Forward And Won’t Look Back
We Used To Be About Us, And Now We Ain’t About That
Yeah, We’re Living For A Place In The Future
With Unshakable Hope And A Brand New Life
Yeah, We Gave It All To You And Became Alive
And We Will Shine Like The Stars Forever

I took one step forward to my future a few months ago and the enemy isn't going to bring me back to those dark days. I use to be all about me but now I aint about that! What I am about is being a healthy vessel for the Lord to use, change and grow into whatever He wants. Its a new season 'round here and I'm TAKIN MY FUTURE BACK!

Being aware

Today has been a hurry up and wait kinda day. For some its been very hard to have a day like today. The ones who have been here before or on a missions trip just want to be doing things and being put to work. The ones who haven't are just taking it all in and enjoying the sights, sounds, faces and presence of Guatemala and its villages. We did go another boat but it was a much smoother ride. More like a canoe ride then a white water rafting trip. And it was beautifully breathe taking. 

Breakfast was very good and filling and I am praising God for that because i hadn't really eaten in 2 days because I can't get past the mushy texture of foods and haven't been able to stomach a lot. Needless to say I have been very hungry which in turn makes me very tired. For me so far it's been a very very hard trip. Weather changes, surprise boat rides, strange food, no real direction on what to do or where to go....I am BEYOND stretched. Really fighting against homesickness and desiring my comfortable life back home. Where everything is familiar, weather is dependable, my husband and children are there and I don't have to get in a boat! But what would I learn if it was comfortable? So I'm trying very hard to be aware of a lesson or self revelation in everything that happens. 

Got back into the city just to eat, pack our stuff, sleep( if you can), and shower cause tomorrow we are off to church then driving 6 hours.  we will be off to Rio Dolce where we will be until Friday. Please be praying for endurance, patience, rest but above all that I'm aware of moments The Lord wants to use me. Missing home in every way. 

Pacific Adventure

Row row row your boat gently down the stream merrily merrily merrily merrily life is but a dream. Right? That's how the song goes? Well today we weren't rowing down a stream it was more like crossing the rough Pacific Ocean and we NOT so merrily doing so. 

Left Guatemala City and drove into Monterico. The drive was fine cause I couldn't see out the window to notice how many almost accident we could've gotten into. Pulled into the retreat center looked around and left for El Dormedo. A tiny little village you have to take a boat to....that no one told us about.  All of us shuffle out of the van, took 1 look at the boat and looked at each other. It was suggested we take 2 trips but the Guatemalan men said, " oh no we fine". Looking at the Sea then back at the boat I about had a heart attack. I did have a slight panic attack after everyone got on and the water started to come in the boat every time we hit a little wave from the ocean. One of my worst fears is drowning in an ocean. So there I was in a dinky boat with a ton of people in the middle of a very rough and unforgiving ocean. We made it across with lots of tears on my part and some major uneasiness from my other members. 

Next we had lunch in Pastor Vinecios church. It's one that when Dave went he got to go to and play with the kids. It's was hard on me today thinking about him and the kids considering it was our 10 year together anniversary :) Watching the children as we sat down like kings to a big lunch just stare at us and beg for our attention was heart wrenching.  Watching one little girl receive a tiny Dora doll was the high light of my day. Her little shy face accepting this great gift melted my heart. We played and made braclets and watched gigantic pigs run around for a while then headed back towards the boats. The Lord heard my cry and we did split up into 2 boats which was MUCH better. 

Watching the sun set while laying in a hammock on the third story of a building listening to the Pacific Ocean roar was exactly what I needed. My amazing husband wrote me a card for every day I'm gone so I read that and had a good cleansing cry....ladies you know what I'm talking about. Glad to be putting day 1 behind me nervous for day. Word on the street is it will involve another boat...

Yucky white paper

Roosters, people, dogs oh my, roosters people dogs oh my, roosters people dogs oh my. The sounds of the city are alive and loud this morning. The sky a beautiful purple pink as it fades into a light blue while I type. I feel like my senses are on overload. 

 

We arrived last night, not sure what time, after a very bumpy plane ride through a gigantic lightning and rain storm high up in the clouds. It was incredible to see the bolts just dance off the thick clouds. No luggage was lost or damaged and we soared right through customs. They took one look at all our bags and us and asked 2 questions and away we quickly scurried. The drive through the city at night was amazing. The people all around, even at night, the big huge building ever made or decorated out of scrap metal and signs. Just so different for me but my heart is loving it. Today I am asking The Lord to make me and my teammates so aware of what's around us and take it all in. It's just so....foreign ;) 

Today we are heading to Montirico to look around and visit. Not quite sure if we have anything concrete planned. As is in a few days all we will see is concrete as we build a "camp" in Rio Dolce for the rest of the week. Please be praying for rest and health as we continue this trip. It's not a great place for sleep and with little sleep immune systems tend not to be at their best. Also please pray I remember to not flush the toilet paper! Gosh that's a hard one to remember since trying to potty train Olivia I have been teaching her to flush yucky white paper :D  and above all that we would be used by The Lord for whatever he wants us to do.

Motion sickness is for the birds

Tossing and turning and mind racing from the days events and the days to come journeys is what's keeping me from sleeping. My adventure began today and not quite how I would expect it to.

Said goodbye to the kids, husband and mother which went pretty well I must say. I didn't cry like such a baby as I thought I was going to. I took some motion sickness meds before I left to help with the journey down. As we pulled out of the church I started to feel a little funny. My nose was tingly, my right side of my tongue had no feeling, when I swallowed I could only feel the left side, my right arm was pins and needles and I had major weakness. I took some deep breathes and started to pray. It got to the point where I told my team members in my vehicle they needed to pray cause there is something really wrong. Long story short I had side effects to the motion sickness medication which I have taken before....pretty much my whole life and haven't EVER had a reaction to it.

So today as I lay here soaking up the last few minutes I have in a soft, comfy, clean American bed I am thankful for another day and for the unknown journey that awaits me. I have been listening to all the planes that have been taking off since 4am and with every new plane my excitement and nerves grow. Some people go there whole lives without really living it and only staying in their bubble. Well I'm not one of them. I'm living! It feels strange and unfamiliar but I won't feel guilty for leaving my family I'm going to take in all the sights, sounds and smells. But above all I am going to be the hands and feet of Jesus.

The best of HIS intentions

Reading is not one of my favorite past times but lately I have been so into The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson. Its a book on prayer and praying through things. Not giving up dreams, visions and unanswered prayers.

It hit me today when I was reading, God is not a God of  MY space and time. How often do we really think about the difference in timing God has then us? Only when we need him to move on something we are praying about is how I have seen it in the past. I haven't stopped to really think about how different God's time is from mine. We always hear, " in God's timing..." I can't stand that statement cause I am a human living in 2013 and I want what I want and I want it now! Our society is teaching us that we can have everything our own way right when we want it?!

But it hit me today...Gods space and time is so vastly different then mine I can't even comprehend it. When I pray and nothing happens my words aren't just out there in the universe floating around. They are captured in His space and His time. Mark Batterson talks about how  Isaiah gave us a glimpse of how big and far God is. " As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways high than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Mark Batterson goes on to say, " The outer edge of the universe, according to astrophysicists, is 15.5 billion light years away  if it seems incomprehensible, its because its virtually unimaginable. yet God says that this is the distance between His thoughts and ours. so here's my thought: your best thought on your best day falls 15.5 billion light-years short of how great and how good God really is."  And even with all that unimaginable space between us he still answers.

Gods watch is way off from ours and all that space, in my human feeble mind, makes it impossible for my prayers to be answered. But he does it! He hears every word and knows every thought in our heads, good and bad. And cares. Even with 15.5 billion light-years of calculated space between us. When he says no on something and I am devastated I need to keep praying and being watchful because he does have something better for me. It may be 10 years down the road. But compared to 15.5 billion light-years of space and time 10 years is nothing!

My take away from today is: Even with unimaginable space and time between us my God is a great listener and he does answer every prayer with the best of HIS intentions on HIS mind.

6?!

" Its his birthday and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to..." The house is filled with excitement and joy for Noah, our oldest son, who turns 6 today. He is currently sitting at the counter having all his DS time with his new Mario game. I have to tell you his daddy went out at 6 this morning to go get that game because his real present never came in from UPS yesterday. Go daddy!!

I may be the only mom who feels this way but I have had a little bit of a hard time with all my kids birthdays this year. People tell you when they are born, " cherish every moment cause time flies." You can't fathom this statement for the first year. You are so busy learning them, loving them and navigating life as 3 instead of 2. But now that 6 years, 2 siblings, 2 moves and countless other life altering events have occurred I sit here and say, " where has the time gone?!" 

God has quickly been reminding me that the time has gone by in the moments I've held him when he is upset, sick or tired. They have gone by in the tee-ball games and soccer matches he has played. The first days of his life where we carefully fed our 5lb 2oz miracle. Time has passed by watching him become a protective, caring older brother. 6 years hasn't come and gone they have passed as they should and we have made memories and have learned A LOT! Even though my heart is sad that life has changed so quickly I will choose today to rejoice in this precious gift I get the privileged of living every day...motherhood. 

My own well being?

Slumber parties aren't just for little girls! I am getting ready for our yearly Pj Party our women's department puts on at our church. I have been given the privilege to help this year. I have been preparing, worshiping  praying and asking God, " what do you want for women in general?" 

We can be so caught up in our families spiritual well being that we don't take the time for our own spiritual well being. As I was worshiping today this is what my heart has come away with:  

My prayer for today's women:

Lord I don't want to live without your presence. Father I don't want to move without you with me. When I breath in you breath out. I want your favor, love, joy and peace to radiate from my inmost being. 

Lord its so hard today to live this way. The offense we create among each other; the bitterness we carry from the offenses we create; the hurt we get from the bitterness we carry from the offense we create. O Lord it is a vicious cycle. It carries over into our ability to parent and how we interact with our spouse. O Father let us see the error of our ways. I don't want to live without your presence. 

To those who feel lost, Lord find them. To the ones who feel alone, go to them. In your word you say, " I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you. John 14:18" You are a good God, show yourself strong to the hardest of hearts. 

Some of us are facing situations that to us are impossible. You didn't create us to do the impossible. You created us to call on the one who made the impossible, possible. Ether its a sick kid, the threat of loosing our home, not being able to provide for our families, feelings of never being forgiven. Fix our eyes on you, God of the impossible. Give us a holy moment where our blind eyes are open and our weak hearts made hopeful. 

Then there are those that are hard as the hardest granite. Trust is a 5 letter word never uttered from our mouths. We trust no one; no one has ever been able to crack us. crying is a sign of weakness and asking for help is forbidden. Some of us like this have been wounded by the church and the thought of ever being vulnerable in a church setting again is nauseating. Father break us! You are the master potter. Chisel away the stone. Make us like little girls that adore their daddy. I see this in my little Olivia. Adoration, worship, unconditional love and  reverence for her daddy and no one else. Lord give us hearts like daughters. 

But God most of all let us live in community with each other. Let us meet and pray, fast together, worship together. Let us fall on our faces in your overwhelming presence. God please let offenses be forgiven, let trust be built, let fear be turned to expectant hope. Be everything to us. God knit us together and make us a mighty army of women, wives, moms, friends and daughters for the advancement of your kingdom here on earth. 

Zebra in a block

Some days its impossible for Dave and I to get 5 minutes alone. Between our children's needs, our phones ringing off the hook some days, emails pilling up, the door bell ringing and functions 1 or both of us needing to attend we have very little time to sit and catch up on our days. 

We needed to speak on a matter so we ran to Olivia's room and shut the door quickly. For whatever reason we thought Olivia's room would be the quiet spot. HA! I was sitting on the chair and Dave laid on the floor and picked up a block. We have alphabet blocks that are clear with little figures in them to associate the letter with a picture. He picked up the Z and it had a zebra in it. He looked up at me and said, " Don't you ever wish you could go back to when things were as simple as Zebra's in blocks?" I think we were over tired cause we both started to laugh. 

Yes I do wish I could go back some days to when I didn't have a care in the world. My mom took care of it all. I dream about not having to think about dinner, laundry, dishes, scheduling. Those days seem so appealing now and when I was in them all I wanted to do was be big! Boy did I rush it. Ever feel like this? We rushed our lives to get here?! If we had really known what our days would be filled with would we have been in such a hurry to get big? 

I think this little zebra in a block is my reminder to slow down, things can wait, people can wait. Don't rush my children to get big and miss out on the simple moments that are right in front of our faces, but because the world around us is complicated we tend to complicate things further. My prayer for you and I today is that we can remember a time where life was all about zebra's in blocks. 

Repeat till you Believe

Its so easy for me to look at my circumstance and start to worry, fear, get anxious and physically start to feel the affects of these emotions. Yet its so hard to open my Bible, read scripture on the promises God has for me and allow his peace to over take the emotions I am feeling at that moment. Anyone else like this?

There are a couple of things that have come up this week that are really testing me emotionally and spiritually. I do believe because I have been so honest in this blog, in allowing what I struggle with to be known to you all, I am really having to walk through it even more. Have you ever prayed about something, asked for more of something like faith, patience or joy and the Lord allowed you to experience a situation that would build more of what you asked for? Not fun! Patience and Grace...

Its so easy for me to open my word, be filled with a surge of faith and pray till I'm blue in the face for someone else, but for me I allow myself to get overtaken with fear, worry, doubt and anxiety fills my chest and my stomach gets in knots. Its a rather uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes I want to tell myself what I know I tell other women, " pick yourself up, open your word, read it out loud so the enemy can hear and repeat till you believe." 

One of my biggest downfalls is my mind. Wow is it such a battlefield. I am a thinker and list maker. When I have a quiet moment I can't just sit there with a blank mind and rest. I am thinking about the meeting I had with a women 3 weeks ago wondering how they are doing, how Noah is behaving at school, is Dave making that phone call, is Judah where he should be academically, How will Olivia act when she reaches high school? These are legitimate things I think and worry about on a daily basis. WHY?! I have no idea. God has it all figured out. But does he really? He needs to cure world hunger why does he care about Dave making phone calls? 

Psalm 34: 4 " I sough the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. 8: Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. 9: Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing." Its written right in his word. He answers us. He delivers us. He is good to us. When we have a healthy fear of him we lack nothing. Why can't I wrap my own brain around that? 

I am allowing my circumstance to over take my faith in the Lord rather then allowing my faith in the Lord to over take my circumstance. Yikes! When I allow this to take place I am belittling how big, marvelous, giving, loving, gracious, ever present the Lord is. 

Father, 

Forgive me (us) when we allow our circumstance to determine the level of faith and trust we place in you. Lord I repent and ask that today would be a turning point in my life and others. Lord give us an overwhelming knowing that we mean everything to you. Every detail of us was created by you. Like the song says, "like a good father you will take ear and you hold my being. You wrap yourself around every detail of my life. And all I have to do is stay in the palm of your hand because we mean everything to you." Jesus I am freely giving this anxiety, worry, dread, frustration and fear to you. I will wait on you Psalm 130:5 I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I put my hope. Father I will open your word and out loud read your promises that you have my best interest in the fore front of your heart. Thank you for adoring me more then I ever should be. 

Love, 

Your Everything 

This song is on repeat while I write this. Listen and allow the words to sink deep. We mean EVERYTHING to Him who should mean EVERYTHING to US.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS9z-uzM3Ho

Letting Loose, Letting Go

A Paraphrased version of Isaiah 42:10 (The Message)

" Sing to God a brand-new song,
    sing his praises all over the world!...

Make God’s glory resound;
    echo his praises from coast to coast.
God steps out like he means business.
    You can see he’s primed for action.
He shouts, announcing his arrival;
    he takes charge and his enemies fall into line...

“ I've been quiet long enough.

   I've held back, biting my tongue. 

But now I’m letting loose, letting go,

  like a woman who’s having a baby—" 

 I don't usually use The Message translation but this just captured how my heart feels so well. Its a normal-ish Tuesday around here. Kids are playing, the house is clean, dishes done, laundry done. Just looking forward to a quiet uneventful after noon. 

 But there is 1 thing that God is stirring in me today. The lyrics to a possible song I wrote about a month ago. I have only shared them with 3 people so its a little nerve wracking to put something raw on here, but for some reason my insides are telling me to share them. I hope someone today can relate to the plea these lyrics seem to be. 

Here goes nothing...

Oh God do not remain quiet

Do not be silent or still 

For behold your enemies make an uproar

and those who hate you exalt themselves 

Answer me when I call 

Oh God of my righteousness

Give ear to my words 

Head the sound of my plea 

Arise o'Lord in your anger

Lift up yourself against the rage 

Wondrously show Your loving kindness 

Hide me in the shadow of your wings  

Answer me when I call 

Oh God of my righteousness

Give ear to my words

Hear my groaning and  

Head the sound of my plea 

Examine Myself? Who? Me?

" Can I have more apple juice?" With a full mouth of what was for breakfast, " Can I have a snack?" " Can I play my DS?" " Can I play legos?"  " Can you make me something to take to work?" " Can you do the trash today?" "Mom when you pick me up can you have my lego man ready for me?"  And the dog at my feet whining to go outside. AHHHH some mornings I just want to scream. 

Because I want this blog to be 100% open and honest, most days my reaction isn't pleasant to all of these requests. I grumble, get overwhelmed and snap back. " I just got out of bed can I have 2 seconds to pee?!" And usually I am going to the bathroom with the little or big person making the request still asking on the other side of the door. Now that Olivia can talk, our almost 2 year old going on 20, she is getting a bit pushy as well. So that's 4 vs 1...crummy ratio. 

Patience and grace are the 2 biggest things I lack. Because I am such a black and white person, when I see something off I have a very hard time extending grace. And when my patience gets tested, and as you can see that's quite often, I have a very hard time with my slow to anger reactions. Is there anyone else out there like this or am I the only one? I am admitting this because I am not some perfect pastors wife that thinks I can do no wrong. I am human before anything else, and just like you I have flaws. BIG ONES! 

I am so thankful this morning that I have a sav·ior  noun a person who saves, rescues, or delivers me every time I need Him. What if he acted and responded like I do? With my  questions, requests, pleas and commands adding up to around a billion by now, how would I feel if he responded with, "give me a stinkin' second to think!" I am sure my face would be like that of my children's, disappointed and in some cases hurt by my reaction. Does anyone know what I am talking about?

I wrote another blog a while back on this subject,http://thevictoriousmother.blogspot.com/2011/02/patience-is-not-my-middle-name.html. And here I sit still struggling with it. I don't know if I will ever be as patient or grace filled as I would like to be but I do know I am working on it. Is there something you are working on that you aren't afraid to admit?  I would love to get some comments either here, Facebook or Twitter but it will require you taking a look at your life. Why is it so hard for us to examine ourselves? 

World War 3 Prevention: Step 1

Come on boys how hard is it to remember to do? Its something I have been training you ALL to do since you were either dropped on my doorstep one night or birthed from my body. How hard it is to put the toilet seat cover down?!

I don't know about at your house but this is something that drives me crazy! Its a process I have done since I could go on my own. As soon as your done the cover goes down. Its just one movement more with your hands that can cause or prevent world war 3. And as I sit here and think I am shuttering. Lord help the boy/man who leaves the the WHOLE seat up in the middle of the night and I go in there...I am praying for them as I write. I can remember one time early in marriage when this happened and I believe I woke Dave up, freaked out then rolled over and went back to bed. I really don't enjoy taking a mini bath in the middle of the night! Ladies be honest how many of you are with me? (I would enjoy comments)

Hope your Saturday morning is off to a good start and you can laugh at the small stuff. I am off to teach all my men that no matter how small or large the toilet is take care of it or you'll be cleanin' it! Here's a little peak into the humor of my mother and husband. My mom bought this for my husband for Christmas and he used it for the first time yesterday, and I still had to clean it! 

" I can't live without Your presence!"

Happy Friday! Some weeks it feels near impossible to make it to Friday but this week has flown by. Since its insanely cold up here, in the frozen tundra I call home, I have started to hibernate and only leave the house an occasional Friday night for date night, Saturday for church and Sunday for church and youth. I thought I would go crazy being "stuck" in the house when I first moved up here but I really think God has given me a contentment and peace and lots of things to keep me busy during the long months of winter. I also despise the cold that much that I am okay with never leaving the house.

One of my passions is music. In every way whether played live, a new album on Itunes, a new song on our worship set list just pretty much anything. I listen to everything  and learn things by hearing them once. My family isn't very musical. The only musical thing I can remember is when I was little my dad had this big red car. My parents were divorced and when he would come to have his visits he would pick me up in it and would drive. During those drives, he would sing to me and with me. I can remember singing the itsy bitsy spider. Great memory for me. So since I am home bound I have been looking more consistently at whats available for worship music. For those who know me I am sure your shocked ;) This week's little nugget is the new Jesus Culture "Live From New York" available on Itunes or their website: http://www.jesusculture.com/. Great album thus far! I have only gotten 3 songs deep and am stuck on a song called Pursuit.


Pursuit

Strip everything away, till all I have is You
Undo the veil, so all I see is You
Strip everything away, till all I have is You
Undo the veil, so all I see is You
I will pursue You
I will pursue Your presence
I will pursue You
I will pursue Your presence
I’m pressing into You
So do not pass me by
Breaking through the boundaries
I will not be denied
Open my eyes, search me inside
I can’t live without Your presence
I can’t live without Your presence

My best friend Amy has said there is a song for everything in life and we should make the soundtracks of our life. (thank you OTH ;)) I have adopted this way of thinking and when I hear a song this is what I think "Where in my life would this fit?" Music is so powerful and emotional as is our life, if we choose to live the way we are called to. So looking at music the way I choose to this song would be my hearts cry, plea, mantra etc for the body of Christ, especially in my area. As a pastors wife, I pray fervently for the body that I am apart of. I have experienced a presence of the Lord at church, in my home, in my daily life that I can not live without. Such an intoxicating, romantic, furious presence that I so desire the body to experience every time we are together. My prayer for the body is to live out these lyrics God ordained them to pen. "Strip everything away, till all I see is You" That means our pride, doubt, unbelief, offenses, feelings of abandonment and grief. "Open our eyes, search me inside" To allow the Lord to do open heart surgery to us and allow a voluntary inventory of our hearts to be done. If you really allowed God to do that, would you like what you saw? I am preaching to myself here...my deepest desire, prayer, plea to the Lord is that we would get to the point where we say, "I can't live without Your presence!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in0Ipf-2ssM

Prayer and Pretend Swords

Its a brisk negative something or rather out here in the Northern Maine woods town. But inside its warm and my heart is so full already. Its only 8:10am and Noah just left for school but that little boy blessed me so much in the hour I spent with him before sending him out into the cold world.

Our morning routine is the same pretty much every day because as most of you know I have some special boys, as I like to call them. They require us to be very routine oriented and not so lax with them in every area of there life. Man is that hard! Another blog perhaps...anyway, this morning Noah was feeding our puppy Harvey doodle our labradoodle. I could see this very focused pondering look on Noah face. He looks up at me and says, " mom, when we say stupid or I'm gonna punch you or your mean we are using the enemies weapons and he wins against our King." The look on my face must have been priceless. It was one of shock, joy, wonder and delight. I told him he was absolutely right and asked him where he had heard that he proceeded to tell me Ms. Debbie, me, daddy and the dream God showed him last night. Oh my heart is so abundantly full while I type and listening to the new Jesus culture album is helping just a bit too. I went on and asked Noah about his dream and he said, " God walked with him in his dream and told him to not let the devil win and that Jesus is the winner King." YEAH YEAH YEAH Why am I so happy you may ask? I am so overjoyed that I have proof my son is listening. When I talk to him about his behavior and how it goes against the Word of God, which is our instruction book just like his new DS games instruction book tells him how to work his games, we are to listen and act out what we are told.

Sometimes...well...a lot of the time with the special boys I have its very hard to gauge what they hear and retain. they have 1 focus and its not just my boys its boys in general. They just want instant gratification and pleasure. And the media, electronics push and quite honestly the hypocrisy in christian parenting now doesn't help. I am guilty of all of the above! I allow them to watch tv, they have DS's, a Wii and an IPad and I am the first to say that I take the easy road a lot of the time and not fully follow the blue print God has laid out in his word for how we are to parent our children as Christians. I can say however, that I am conscious of this pattern and am taking steps to not be a hypocrite in my house. God has called Dave and I to " Train our children in the way they should go and when they get old they will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6"

Before the moment vanished this morning I asked Noah to pray for his day. I adore his prayers. I wish I could record every single one and play them over and over because the seeping, infectious innocence is so pure and fresh. Working with teens I know whats ahead for that innocence and the war that will begin to take place for it. So preserving it is my hearts cry. He asked me if we could pray together and put on his armor. ANOTHER VICTORY! He hears me when I talk about the armor!! So, in true boy fashion, he had to get up from his breakfast chair and make super hero noises putting on his helmet of salvation, his breast plate of righteousness, I then tried to do the sword but he stopped me and proclaimed, " NO NO that goes last. Its the best one!" so I proceeded with the belt and the shoes and THEN the moment his little being was waiting for. He put one foot back, with this shielded arm in front of him and his helmeted head held high we said the sword of the spirit together and he made this noise like a sword coming out of a sheath. And he waved his pretend sword in the air. He looked at me and said, " I'm ready to go to battle mommy."

Today..." It is well with my soul"

Ready or Not

Here we are another year come and gone. Last year was a great year for us, especially me. God Showed me a lot, allowed me to be broken a lot to be rebuilt with new eyes to see things in new lights. Friends have come and gone, new schools have started for the kids, we have transitioned from baby mode to life with actual children doing child life things.  Pastor's wife life has set in and balancing ministry and family is presenting lots of challenges. I am sure in time that will be a blog all in itself. Lots of dreams have been dreamed and I'm waiting for the right time to fulfill them. Most of all this year has been filled with women, girls, moms, grandmothers. And I feel like that is the direction my life is going. I know for a fact that the Holy Spirit is putting me in more and more places to share the Love of the Lord in the lives of women from all walks of life. Quite scary if you ask the person that I am, but the spirit inside of me is becoming less afraid and more willing to be open and used. 

I keep saying over and over, "who am I?" Why would God see me as someone for women to trust, talk to and confide in? And I still have no idea most days. But what I do know is that in my own strength I am how I see myself. Most days a mom fail, a nagging wife, a too busy pastors wife to fit everyone in, an opinionated by stander but only to my husband and a failure as a friend to near and far. But the difference I have come to have in the last year is I am not to look at myself how I see me. I am to look at myself how God sees me. Someone who is growing daily in all areas of life. In Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and self Control. And this next year of life is to be another year to grow in the fruit of The Spirit, to teach and be taught, to love the ones who feel unlovable at times, to parent with my husband how God has ordained us to, to be the kind of wife my husband needs me to be.  

Ready or not the year has begun...

Me a vegetarian or vegan?! Never....well, maybe.....

People may think Dave and I are weird, crazy, extreme or too religious. And maybe we are all of those things to you. But to us we are getting our lives, health and energy back. We are only in our 20's and already we have 3 children, a very full time career(Dave's a youth pastor and I'm a stay at home mom..if you don't think that's a job we will chat later), a social life and aside from youth ministry we are very active with other activities within the church.
As most of you have read we just moved to Presque Isle in July and since then its just been a constant motion of change in our house. Before we moved I can without a doubt say, I had an addiction to food in regards to making me feel better. Having 3 kids back to back can really do a number on your body and I struggled with post pardon depression since my 2nd son was born in October of 2008. When I was feeling lonely I would call on Ben and Jerry...I think you get it. And all social events with friends and family always revolved around food. When I or one of my girlfriends had a bad day we would meet at Panera and stuff ourselves or if it was someones birthday we would go to a restaurant and eat!  Now I'm not saying going out to eat with friends is bad or family gatherings with food is terrible but what I am saying is it got to be the focus of every gathering we went to. Can you think of a party you went to and not had food? Baby shower, birthday, anniversary, super bowl......and what kinds of food were there? Chicken fingers, salad, pizza, pasta, fish etc etc  I have come to a place in life where I will not let myself be dictated by food. Notice I didn't say "I wouldn't let food dictate me," Food can not dictate anything. It has no will, power or emotions...YOU DO, WE DO! We choose what to put in our body's and what to feed our souls. I started to make Judah's baby food for him because I wanted him to get the best parts of food before chemicals got injected in. Why don't we feel the same way about ourselves? Why don't we want that for us just like we do for our kids. Do we not see the value in us like we do in our children?
So Dave and I have adapted a new way of eating for our family. And so far its been wonderful. We watched a documentary called Forks Over Knives on Netflix and it changed our view of what goes into our bodies and how it can affect us in the long run. I can tell you first hand I feel different, I sleep different, I parent different. It had changed my life for the better. We have eliminated anything animal based from our diets. No meat or dairy. I don't miss a thing. Me the meat loving, cheese eating,cooking and baking machine herself  has none in her daily diet. And I'm still alive! You think I could never do that!!!! YES YOU COULD if you got the point of being so fed up with feeling tired, moody, achy, having a foggy mind and not to mention an increasing waist line, then yes you could do it.
I'm not gonna lie and tell you I don't have days where I crave that burger from McDonald's or Pizza but instead of giving in I make something like it just vegetarian/vegan style. I am thinking about blogging some of the recipes I have used and whether I liked them or not. What do you think? Would you even come back to check them out? :)
In closing, I don't want anyone reading this to think, I think the world should adapt this way of eating, some places already do but I am saying that its time we take a look at what we are made up of. In the Bible it says, "We are the temples of the Holy Spirit." What do you put in a temple? The very best of things right? Well why aren't we putting the very best in our walking and talking temples? Just something for you to think about....

"Quiet you with his love"

Still: motionless, at rest, free from sound or noise. This word is bouncing around my brain and has been since last night. What is being still really like? Do I ever allow myself to be still with the Lord or my family? If not why?

Have you ever looked at your son or daughter and said, " would you please just sit still?!" Do you ever think the Lord says that to us? Have you ever said, "Can you please stop talking over me and just listen to my words?" Do you think Jesus longs for our mouths to be silent but our hearts to be open and still to listen? Of course he does but in our business and stress of life we can't  NOT put that one load of laundry in or not do the dishes in the sink. We have to have our house vacuumed, dusted and kids fed and clothed by 7 even on days off where we could stay in our pjs till the next day if we wanted to. Why do we keep ourselves so busy with to do lists, reminders of appointments or worry. I honestly don't have a solid answer for these questions. For every one of us its different. I will be open and honest with myself and everyone else. I feel that if I'm not busy then I'm not really worth anything or I don't contribute anything to my home and if I allow myself to sit in my living room with a cup of coffee and my journal just listening to God speak to me or just be in the silence I am not taking care of my family. If I am not in constant motion with my brain thinking of every little task I need to get done then I am lazy or depressed.

I have come to the realization that, ITS NOT TRUE! We were created to rest and be still. Even God when he created the UNIVERSE you know the big planet we live on, he took an ENTIRE DAY to rest and be silent. in Psalm 46 it says, " Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD." I have had to ask myself do I really KNOW he is God? Do I really know he loves me? In Zephaniah 3:17 it says," The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing." One way the Lord shows his love is the ability for us to be quiet and still. To not open your mouth but open your heart and hear that still small voice encourage you, romance you and comfort you where ever you are in your life.

I thought I learnt this already?! The move was a huge struggle for me, still is at times. But I can remember this one day. I had come to the end of myself. I sat on the Fancy's floor and just screamed and cried and kicked my feet. I yelled to the Lord," Where are you?! I don't have a home,my children don't have a home. Is this what you have for us? Where are you?" That was my every day for a month mono-log with the Lord. Notice I said mono-log. I did all the talking, screaming and crying. There was silence on his end, so I thought. But this one day I listened longer then 10 seconds, I had my mouth closed long enough for him to say," you haven't been still or quiet long enough for me to talk. You want to provide a home and a life for your family. But my ways are higher then yours and my thoughts are wiser then yours." OUCH!! He was obviously right. Within a week we had a home.

I say all that to say, I'm only human and I am even now saying Lord where are you? I miss hearing you but I've been looking at myself and thinking back to how much Resting in HIM I'm doing and I can honestly say, this dog hasn't learnt a new trick yet. I still struggle with being STILL and letting him show me, grow me and love me through quietness.

School is now in session

Its been WAY to long since I spewed my brain in a blog and today seems as good as any to let it loose. As you already know its been quite the summer for us. Dave quitting his nice stable and predictable job, us moving away from all of our family and friends to practically Canada, Noah having a very hard time adjusting and starting school...the list could go on. So through all of that I obviously learned a lot about myself, Dave and I and our kids. I have learned that nothing is as it seems and can never be the same again. Which in most cases is good and we can live with but in some cases its still just really painful.

When your in school your told you will never stop learning, and they are right. And the same goes for when you are a believer of Christ. You will never stop learning about yourself, no matter how good you think your doing or how "adjusted" you think you are. There is always more to take in and discover. Now this is all fine and good for some one who likes to learn. I on the other hand could live without it most of the time. I have just been in a constant state of discovery, through painful and stretching tests and trials. One lesson I am learning now is life goes on even when I'm not around. I had a great group of friends back home. The best actually, and as I write this I am crying because I miss them with every fiber of my being. But anyways, at any moment if any one of us needed to break away and have some girl time all we needed to do was text each other and say "panera date" and we all knew we needed each other. No matter what we had planned we would drop our lives to listen, laugh, cry or get mad...together. I watch as they make plans and tell stories of times they were all together and laugh with them and be happy for them but can't help feeling so alone. I know I am still in the same state but I mine as well be in the next universe with how far away I feel from all of them now. I am a Israelite in the desert.

Another lesson is my happiness can only come from the Lord. Moving away from everything familiar and comfortable makes you cling to anything and everything that is familiar. So of course my children are clinging to me for comfort, support, acceptance...but instead of me turning to the Lord I have turned to Dave and since he is human has let me down time after time, which isn't his fault. Being in ministry is a very hard job and deff not for the faint of heart. Its long hours, no weekends, can't plan anything cause with a phone call it can all change. This is all very hard to get use to and even harder thrown together with the fact that I have been moved away from everyone I would run to with all these changes and fill my loneliness with. I am learning that the Lord can and will turn my sorrow into Joy and he has directed my path and has planned this since before I was in my mothers womb. But still some days it just doesn't sink in.

So for now, in my life school is STILL in session and I am learning every day a little bit more about myself and how much I really DON"T know about myself, how much the Lord really DOES watch over me and how every SECOND of my being is planned and ordained by the Lord. No matter how hard, lonely or how much I cry, get mad and frustrated with my situation. HE planned this for me and my family for SUCH A TIME AS THIS.