My own well being?

Slumber parties aren't just for little girls! I am getting ready for our yearly Pj Party our women's department puts on at our church. I have been given the privilege to help this year. I have been preparing, worshiping  praying and asking God, " what do you want for women in general?" 

We can be so caught up in our families spiritual well being that we don't take the time for our own spiritual well being. As I was worshiping today this is what my heart has come away with:  

My prayer for today's women:

Lord I don't want to live without your presence. Father I don't want to move without you with me. When I breath in you breath out. I want your favor, love, joy and peace to radiate from my inmost being. 

Lord its so hard today to live this way. The offense we create among each other; the bitterness we carry from the offenses we create; the hurt we get from the bitterness we carry from the offense we create. O Lord it is a vicious cycle. It carries over into our ability to parent and how we interact with our spouse. O Father let us see the error of our ways. I don't want to live without your presence. 

To those who feel lost, Lord find them. To the ones who feel alone, go to them. In your word you say, " I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you. John 14:18" You are a good God, show yourself strong to the hardest of hearts. 

Some of us are facing situations that to us are impossible. You didn't create us to do the impossible. You created us to call on the one who made the impossible, possible. Ether its a sick kid, the threat of loosing our home, not being able to provide for our families, feelings of never being forgiven. Fix our eyes on you, God of the impossible. Give us a holy moment where our blind eyes are open and our weak hearts made hopeful. 

Then there are those that are hard as the hardest granite. Trust is a 5 letter word never uttered from our mouths. We trust no one; no one has ever been able to crack us. crying is a sign of weakness and asking for help is forbidden. Some of us like this have been wounded by the church and the thought of ever being vulnerable in a church setting again is nauseating. Father break us! You are the master potter. Chisel away the stone. Make us like little girls that adore their daddy. I see this in my little Olivia. Adoration, worship, unconditional love and  reverence for her daddy and no one else. Lord give us hearts like daughters. 

But God most of all let us live in community with each other. Let us meet and pray, fast together, worship together. Let us fall on our faces in your overwhelming presence. God please let offenses be forgiven, let trust be built, let fear be turned to expectant hope. Be everything to us. God knit us together and make us a mighty army of women, wives, moms, friends and daughters for the advancement of your kingdom here on earth. 

Zebra in a block

Some days its impossible for Dave and I to get 5 minutes alone. Between our children's needs, our phones ringing off the hook some days, emails pilling up, the door bell ringing and functions 1 or both of us needing to attend we have very little time to sit and catch up on our days. 

We needed to speak on a matter so we ran to Olivia's room and shut the door quickly. For whatever reason we thought Olivia's room would be the quiet spot. HA! I was sitting on the chair and Dave laid on the floor and picked up a block. We have alphabet blocks that are clear with little figures in them to associate the letter with a picture. He picked up the Z and it had a zebra in it. He looked up at me and said, " Don't you ever wish you could go back to when things were as simple as Zebra's in blocks?" I think we were over tired cause we both started to laugh. 

Yes I do wish I could go back some days to when I didn't have a care in the world. My mom took care of it all. I dream about not having to think about dinner, laundry, dishes, scheduling. Those days seem so appealing now and when I was in them all I wanted to do was be big! Boy did I rush it. Ever feel like this? We rushed our lives to get here?! If we had really known what our days would be filled with would we have been in such a hurry to get big? 

I think this little zebra in a block is my reminder to slow down, things can wait, people can wait. Don't rush my children to get big and miss out on the simple moments that are right in front of our faces, but because the world around us is complicated we tend to complicate things further. My prayer for you and I today is that we can remember a time where life was all about zebra's in blocks. 

Repeat till you Believe

Its so easy for me to look at my circumstance and start to worry, fear, get anxious and physically start to feel the affects of these emotions. Yet its so hard to open my Bible, read scripture on the promises God has for me and allow his peace to over take the emotions I am feeling at that moment. Anyone else like this?

There are a couple of things that have come up this week that are really testing me emotionally and spiritually. I do believe because I have been so honest in this blog, in allowing what I struggle with to be known to you all, I am really having to walk through it even more. Have you ever prayed about something, asked for more of something like faith, patience or joy and the Lord allowed you to experience a situation that would build more of what you asked for? Not fun! Patience and Grace...

Its so easy for me to open my word, be filled with a surge of faith and pray till I'm blue in the face for someone else, but for me I allow myself to get overtaken with fear, worry, doubt and anxiety fills my chest and my stomach gets in knots. Its a rather uncomfortable feeling. Sometimes I want to tell myself what I know I tell other women, " pick yourself up, open your word, read it out loud so the enemy can hear and repeat till you believe." 

One of my biggest downfalls is my mind. Wow is it such a battlefield. I am a thinker and list maker. When I have a quiet moment I can't just sit there with a blank mind and rest. I am thinking about the meeting I had with a women 3 weeks ago wondering how they are doing, how Noah is behaving at school, is Dave making that phone call, is Judah where he should be academically, How will Olivia act when she reaches high school? These are legitimate things I think and worry about on a daily basis. WHY?! I have no idea. God has it all figured out. But does he really? He needs to cure world hunger why does he care about Dave making phone calls? 

Psalm 34: 4 " I sough the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. 8: Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. 9: Fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing." Its written right in his word. He answers us. He delivers us. He is good to us. When we have a healthy fear of him we lack nothing. Why can't I wrap my own brain around that? 

I am allowing my circumstance to over take my faith in the Lord rather then allowing my faith in the Lord to over take my circumstance. Yikes! When I allow this to take place I am belittling how big, marvelous, giving, loving, gracious, ever present the Lord is. 

Father, 

Forgive me (us) when we allow our circumstance to determine the level of faith and trust we place in you. Lord I repent and ask that today would be a turning point in my life and others. Lord give us an overwhelming knowing that we mean everything to you. Every detail of us was created by you. Like the song says, "like a good father you will take ear and you hold my being. You wrap yourself around every detail of my life. And all I have to do is stay in the palm of your hand because we mean everything to you." Jesus I am freely giving this anxiety, worry, dread, frustration and fear to you. I will wait on you Psalm 130:5 I will wait for the Lord, my soul waits and in his word I put my hope. Father I will open your word and out loud read your promises that you have my best interest in the fore front of your heart. Thank you for adoring me more then I ever should be. 

Love, 

Your Everything 

This song is on repeat while I write this. Listen and allow the words to sink deep. We mean EVERYTHING to Him who should mean EVERYTHING to US.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XS9z-uzM3Ho

Letting Loose, Letting Go

A Paraphrased version of Isaiah 42:10 (The Message)

" Sing to God a brand-new song,
    sing his praises all over the world!...

Make God’s glory resound;
    echo his praises from coast to coast.
God steps out like he means business.
    You can see he’s primed for action.
He shouts, announcing his arrival;
    he takes charge and his enemies fall into line...

“ I've been quiet long enough.

   I've held back, biting my tongue. 

But now I’m letting loose, letting go,

  like a woman who’s having a baby—" 

 I don't usually use The Message translation but this just captured how my heart feels so well. Its a normal-ish Tuesday around here. Kids are playing, the house is clean, dishes done, laundry done. Just looking forward to a quiet uneventful after noon. 

 But there is 1 thing that God is stirring in me today. The lyrics to a possible song I wrote about a month ago. I have only shared them with 3 people so its a little nerve wracking to put something raw on here, but for some reason my insides are telling me to share them. I hope someone today can relate to the plea these lyrics seem to be. 

Here goes nothing...

Oh God do not remain quiet

Do not be silent or still 

For behold your enemies make an uproar

and those who hate you exalt themselves 

Answer me when I call 

Oh God of my righteousness

Give ear to my words 

Head the sound of my plea 

Arise o'Lord in your anger

Lift up yourself against the rage 

Wondrously show Your loving kindness 

Hide me in the shadow of your wings  

Answer me when I call 

Oh God of my righteousness

Give ear to my words

Hear my groaning and  

Head the sound of my plea 

Examine Myself? Who? Me?

" Can I have more apple juice?" With a full mouth of what was for breakfast, " Can I have a snack?" " Can I play my DS?" " Can I play legos?"  " Can you make me something to take to work?" " Can you do the trash today?" "Mom when you pick me up can you have my lego man ready for me?"  And the dog at my feet whining to go outside. AHHHH some mornings I just want to scream. 

Because I want this blog to be 100% open and honest, most days my reaction isn't pleasant to all of these requests. I grumble, get overwhelmed and snap back. " I just got out of bed can I have 2 seconds to pee?!" And usually I am going to the bathroom with the little or big person making the request still asking on the other side of the door. Now that Olivia can talk, our almost 2 year old going on 20, she is getting a bit pushy as well. So that's 4 vs 1...crummy ratio. 

Patience and grace are the 2 biggest things I lack. Because I am such a black and white person, when I see something off I have a very hard time extending grace. And when my patience gets tested, and as you can see that's quite often, I have a very hard time with my slow to anger reactions. Is there anyone else out there like this or am I the only one? I am admitting this because I am not some perfect pastors wife that thinks I can do no wrong. I am human before anything else, and just like you I have flaws. BIG ONES! 

I am so thankful this morning that I have a sav·ior  noun a person who saves, rescues, or delivers me every time I need Him. What if he acted and responded like I do? With my  questions, requests, pleas and commands adding up to around a billion by now, how would I feel if he responded with, "give me a stinkin' second to think!" I am sure my face would be like that of my children's, disappointed and in some cases hurt by my reaction. Does anyone know what I am talking about?

I wrote another blog a while back on this subject,http://thevictoriousmother.blogspot.com/2011/02/patience-is-not-my-middle-name.html. And here I sit still struggling with it. I don't know if I will ever be as patient or grace filled as I would like to be but I do know I am working on it. Is there something you are working on that you aren't afraid to admit?  I would love to get some comments either here, Facebook or Twitter but it will require you taking a look at your life. Why is it so hard for us to examine ourselves? 

World War 3 Prevention: Step 1

Come on boys how hard is it to remember to do? Its something I have been training you ALL to do since you were either dropped on my doorstep one night or birthed from my body. How hard it is to put the toilet seat cover down?!

I don't know about at your house but this is something that drives me crazy! Its a process I have done since I could go on my own. As soon as your done the cover goes down. Its just one movement more with your hands that can cause or prevent world war 3. And as I sit here and think I am shuttering. Lord help the boy/man who leaves the the WHOLE seat up in the middle of the night and I go in there...I am praying for them as I write. I can remember one time early in marriage when this happened and I believe I woke Dave up, freaked out then rolled over and went back to bed. I really don't enjoy taking a mini bath in the middle of the night! Ladies be honest how many of you are with me? (I would enjoy comments)

Hope your Saturday morning is off to a good start and you can laugh at the small stuff. I am off to teach all my men that no matter how small or large the toilet is take care of it or you'll be cleanin' it! Here's a little peak into the humor of my mother and husband. My mom bought this for my husband for Christmas and he used it for the first time yesterday, and I still had to clean it! 

" I can't live without Your presence!"

Happy Friday! Some weeks it feels near impossible to make it to Friday but this week has flown by. Since its insanely cold up here, in the frozen tundra I call home, I have started to hibernate and only leave the house an occasional Friday night for date night, Saturday for church and Sunday for church and youth. I thought I would go crazy being "stuck" in the house when I first moved up here but I really think God has given me a contentment and peace and lots of things to keep me busy during the long months of winter. I also despise the cold that much that I am okay with never leaving the house.

One of my passions is music. In every way whether played live, a new album on Itunes, a new song on our worship set list just pretty much anything. I listen to everything  and learn things by hearing them once. My family isn't very musical. The only musical thing I can remember is when I was little my dad had this big red car. My parents were divorced and when he would come to have his visits he would pick me up in it and would drive. During those drives, he would sing to me and with me. I can remember singing the itsy bitsy spider. Great memory for me. So since I am home bound I have been looking more consistently at whats available for worship music. For those who know me I am sure your shocked ;) This week's little nugget is the new Jesus Culture "Live From New York" available on Itunes or their website: http://www.jesusculture.com/. Great album thus far! I have only gotten 3 songs deep and am stuck on a song called Pursuit.


Pursuit

Strip everything away, till all I have is You
Undo the veil, so all I see is You
Strip everything away, till all I have is You
Undo the veil, so all I see is You
I will pursue You
I will pursue Your presence
I will pursue You
I will pursue Your presence
I’m pressing into You
So do not pass me by
Breaking through the boundaries
I will not be denied
Open my eyes, search me inside
I can’t live without Your presence
I can’t live without Your presence

My best friend Amy has said there is a song for everything in life and we should make the soundtracks of our life. (thank you OTH ;)) I have adopted this way of thinking and when I hear a song this is what I think "Where in my life would this fit?" Music is so powerful and emotional as is our life, if we choose to live the way we are called to. So looking at music the way I choose to this song would be my hearts cry, plea, mantra etc for the body of Christ, especially in my area. As a pastors wife, I pray fervently for the body that I am apart of. I have experienced a presence of the Lord at church, in my home, in my daily life that I can not live without. Such an intoxicating, romantic, furious presence that I so desire the body to experience every time we are together. My prayer for the body is to live out these lyrics God ordained them to pen. "Strip everything away, till all I see is You" That means our pride, doubt, unbelief, offenses, feelings of abandonment and grief. "Open our eyes, search me inside" To allow the Lord to do open heart surgery to us and allow a voluntary inventory of our hearts to be done. If you really allowed God to do that, would you like what you saw? I am preaching to myself here...my deepest desire, prayer, plea to the Lord is that we would get to the point where we say, "I can't live without Your presence!"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in0Ipf-2ssM

Prayer and Pretend Swords

Its a brisk negative something or rather out here in the Northern Maine woods town. But inside its warm and my heart is so full already. Its only 8:10am and Noah just left for school but that little boy blessed me so much in the hour I spent with him before sending him out into the cold world.

Our morning routine is the same pretty much every day because as most of you know I have some special boys, as I like to call them. They require us to be very routine oriented and not so lax with them in every area of there life. Man is that hard! Another blog perhaps...anyway, this morning Noah was feeding our puppy Harvey doodle our labradoodle. I could see this very focused pondering look on Noah face. He looks up at me and says, " mom, when we say stupid or I'm gonna punch you or your mean we are using the enemies weapons and he wins against our King." The look on my face must have been priceless. It was one of shock, joy, wonder and delight. I told him he was absolutely right and asked him where he had heard that he proceeded to tell me Ms. Debbie, me, daddy and the dream God showed him last night. Oh my heart is so abundantly full while I type and listening to the new Jesus culture album is helping just a bit too. I went on and asked Noah about his dream and he said, " God walked with him in his dream and told him to not let the devil win and that Jesus is the winner King." YEAH YEAH YEAH Why am I so happy you may ask? I am so overjoyed that I have proof my son is listening. When I talk to him about his behavior and how it goes against the Word of God, which is our instruction book just like his new DS games instruction book tells him how to work his games, we are to listen and act out what we are told.

Sometimes...well...a lot of the time with the special boys I have its very hard to gauge what they hear and retain. they have 1 focus and its not just my boys its boys in general. They just want instant gratification and pleasure. And the media, electronics push and quite honestly the hypocrisy in christian parenting now doesn't help. I am guilty of all of the above! I allow them to watch tv, they have DS's, a Wii and an IPad and I am the first to say that I take the easy road a lot of the time and not fully follow the blue print God has laid out in his word for how we are to parent our children as Christians. I can say however, that I am conscious of this pattern and am taking steps to not be a hypocrite in my house. God has called Dave and I to " Train our children in the way they should go and when they get old they will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6"

Before the moment vanished this morning I asked Noah to pray for his day. I adore his prayers. I wish I could record every single one and play them over and over because the seeping, infectious innocence is so pure and fresh. Working with teens I know whats ahead for that innocence and the war that will begin to take place for it. So preserving it is my hearts cry. He asked me if we could pray together and put on his armor. ANOTHER VICTORY! He hears me when I talk about the armor!! So, in true boy fashion, he had to get up from his breakfast chair and make super hero noises putting on his helmet of salvation, his breast plate of righteousness, I then tried to do the sword but he stopped me and proclaimed, " NO NO that goes last. Its the best one!" so I proceeded with the belt and the shoes and THEN the moment his little being was waiting for. He put one foot back, with this shielded arm in front of him and his helmeted head held high we said the sword of the spirit together and he made this noise like a sword coming out of a sheath. And he waved his pretend sword in the air. He looked at me and said, " I'm ready to go to battle mommy."

Today..." It is well with my soul"

Ready or Not

Here we are another year come and gone. Last year was a great year for us, especially me. God Showed me a lot, allowed me to be broken a lot to be rebuilt with new eyes to see things in new lights. Friends have come and gone, new schools have started for the kids, we have transitioned from baby mode to life with actual children doing child life things.  Pastor's wife life has set in and balancing ministry and family is presenting lots of challenges. I am sure in time that will be a blog all in itself. Lots of dreams have been dreamed and I'm waiting for the right time to fulfill them. Most of all this year has been filled with women, girls, moms, grandmothers. And I feel like that is the direction my life is going. I know for a fact that the Holy Spirit is putting me in more and more places to share the Love of the Lord in the lives of women from all walks of life. Quite scary if you ask the person that I am, but the spirit inside of me is becoming less afraid and more willing to be open and used. 

I keep saying over and over, "who am I?" Why would God see me as someone for women to trust, talk to and confide in? And I still have no idea most days. But what I do know is that in my own strength I am how I see myself. Most days a mom fail, a nagging wife, a too busy pastors wife to fit everyone in, an opinionated by stander but only to my husband and a failure as a friend to near and far. But the difference I have come to have in the last year is I am not to look at myself how I see me. I am to look at myself how God sees me. Someone who is growing daily in all areas of life. In Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and self Control. And this next year of life is to be another year to grow in the fruit of The Spirit, to teach and be taught, to love the ones who feel unlovable at times, to parent with my husband how God has ordained us to, to be the kind of wife my husband needs me to be.  

Ready or not the year has begun...