"Quiet you with his love"

Still: motionless, at rest, free from sound or noise. This word is bouncing around my brain and has been since last night. What is being still really like? Do I ever allow myself to be still with the Lord or my family? If not why?

Have you ever looked at your son or daughter and said, " would you please just sit still?!" Do you ever think the Lord says that to us? Have you ever said, "Can you please stop talking over me and just listen to my words?" Do you think Jesus longs for our mouths to be silent but our hearts to be open and still to listen? Of course he does but in our business and stress of life we can't  NOT put that one load of laundry in or not do the dishes in the sink. We have to have our house vacuumed, dusted and kids fed and clothed by 7 even on days off where we could stay in our pjs till the next day if we wanted to. Why do we keep ourselves so busy with to do lists, reminders of appointments or worry. I honestly don't have a solid answer for these questions. For every one of us its different. I will be open and honest with myself and everyone else. I feel that if I'm not busy then I'm not really worth anything or I don't contribute anything to my home and if I allow myself to sit in my living room with a cup of coffee and my journal just listening to God speak to me or just be in the silence I am not taking care of my family. If I am not in constant motion with my brain thinking of every little task I need to get done then I am lazy or depressed.

I have come to the realization that, ITS NOT TRUE! We were created to rest and be still. Even God when he created the UNIVERSE you know the big planet we live on, he took an ENTIRE DAY to rest and be silent. in Psalm 46 it says, " Be still and KNOW that I AM GOD." I have had to ask myself do I really KNOW he is God? Do I really know he loves me? In Zephaniah 3:17 it says," The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will QUIET YOU WITH HIS LOVE, he will rejoice over you with singing." One way the Lord shows his love is the ability for us to be quiet and still. To not open your mouth but open your heart and hear that still small voice encourage you, romance you and comfort you where ever you are in your life.

I thought I learnt this already?! The move was a huge struggle for me, still is at times. But I can remember this one day. I had come to the end of myself. I sat on the Fancy's floor and just screamed and cried and kicked my feet. I yelled to the Lord," Where are you?! I don't have a home,my children don't have a home. Is this what you have for us? Where are you?" That was my every day for a month mono-log with the Lord. Notice I said mono-log. I did all the talking, screaming and crying. There was silence on his end, so I thought. But this one day I listened longer then 10 seconds, I had my mouth closed long enough for him to say," you haven't been still or quiet long enough for me to talk. You want to provide a home and a life for your family. But my ways are higher then yours and my thoughts are wiser then yours." OUCH!! He was obviously right. Within a week we had a home.

I say all that to say, I'm only human and I am even now saying Lord where are you? I miss hearing you but I've been looking at myself and thinking back to how much Resting in HIM I'm doing and I can honestly say, this dog hasn't learnt a new trick yet. I still struggle with being STILL and letting him show me, grow me and love me through quietness.

School is now in session

Its been WAY to long since I spewed my brain in a blog and today seems as good as any to let it loose. As you already know its been quite the summer for us. Dave quitting his nice stable and predictable job, us moving away from all of our family and friends to practically Canada, Noah having a very hard time adjusting and starting school...the list could go on. So through all of that I obviously learned a lot about myself, Dave and I and our kids. I have learned that nothing is as it seems and can never be the same again. Which in most cases is good and we can live with but in some cases its still just really painful.

When your in school your told you will never stop learning, and they are right. And the same goes for when you are a believer of Christ. You will never stop learning about yourself, no matter how good you think your doing or how "adjusted" you think you are. There is always more to take in and discover. Now this is all fine and good for some one who likes to learn. I on the other hand could live without it most of the time. I have just been in a constant state of discovery, through painful and stretching tests and trials. One lesson I am learning now is life goes on even when I'm not around. I had a great group of friends back home. The best actually, and as I write this I am crying because I miss them with every fiber of my being. But anyways, at any moment if any one of us needed to break away and have some girl time all we needed to do was text each other and say "panera date" and we all knew we needed each other. No matter what we had planned we would drop our lives to listen, laugh, cry or get mad...together. I watch as they make plans and tell stories of times they were all together and laugh with them and be happy for them but can't help feeling so alone. I know I am still in the same state but I mine as well be in the next universe with how far away I feel from all of them now. I am a Israelite in the desert.

Another lesson is my happiness can only come from the Lord. Moving away from everything familiar and comfortable makes you cling to anything and everything that is familiar. So of course my children are clinging to me for comfort, support, acceptance...but instead of me turning to the Lord I have turned to Dave and since he is human has let me down time after time, which isn't his fault. Being in ministry is a very hard job and deff not for the faint of heart. Its long hours, no weekends, can't plan anything cause with a phone call it can all change. This is all very hard to get use to and even harder thrown together with the fact that I have been moved away from everyone I would run to with all these changes and fill my loneliness with. I am learning that the Lord can and will turn my sorrow into Joy and he has directed my path and has planned this since before I was in my mothers womb. But still some days it just doesn't sink in.

So for now, in my life school is STILL in session and I am learning every day a little bit more about myself and how much I really DON"T know about myself, how much the Lord really DOES watch over me and how every SECOND of my being is planned and ordained by the Lord. No matter how hard, lonely or how much I cry, get mad and frustrated with my situation. HE planned this for me and my family for SUCH A TIME AS THIS.