Hi all! Hope you made it through the "storm" safe and warm. I know we sure did, all snuggly and warm relaxing all day long. It was so nice and much needed. Ive been trying to come up with something to write all day. Do I write about my snow storm traditions, or about the kids, or about whats going on in this thick skull of mine.
I decided to go for the thick skull. I need some accountability. I need people to hold me to my word and remind me of my goals and encourage me on my new journey I want to purse. WEIGHT LOSS...gross I know. Its been one of the biggest stumbling blocks in both Dave and I's life. I talked the other day about discipline and how I have none. So obviously I have failed at every diet, work out plan, or vitamin I have ever "committed" to taking. Well, I've come to the point in my life where I need to make myself better not only for me but for my children. With all of the recent changes and life challenges Dave and I have gone through in the past 3 months I HAVE TO DO THIS!
For those of you who don't know I will share about the nightmare that has been our life this last half of the year. Dave and I went to bed the night of November 11th like any other night. I went to bed first and he came later. Dave never puts the sound on his phone. NEVER! So this night he put the sound on and was charging it across the room from us. which he also never does, so it would force him to get up on time and shut his alarm off. at 1:30 in the morning on the 12th his phone rings. So I hit him and push him to get it. He looks at the number and says its a family friend of ours on his parents side. I immediately told him to pick it up something is wrong, but he missed the call. So he takes his phone up to the bathroom with him. Noah and Judah sleep upstairs so I can hear him on there monitor. All I hear him say is, " Dad whats wrong? Where is she? Is she alive?" I jump out of bed and I'm in the bathroom. I don't think me feet hit any stairs. I flew to his side. When I turned the corner he was white as a ghost and said," my mom had a heart attach she is in an ambulance I have to go." My head was spinning. He got dressed and came up stairs and hugged me and just as we hugged I saw the ambulance go by our house with its lights on but no sounds. It was the loudest silence I have ever heard. He left and I didn't hear from him for a while to I text him and asked how she was. I got back, "shes gone kac" I screamed and called him. He could barely talk. I told him to get the doctor and try again. Olivia was on her way try again! She can't leave now try again! our best friends rushed to the house and took me to the hospital. He walked me to her room and I looked at her. Motionless, cold, yellow and purple in spots. I had never seen death and here it was. My mother in law. My husbands mom was lying there but gone far from us. Could she see us? Could she hear us somewhere else? Is she with Jesus? Is she suffering in hell? I pushed all those questions aside when I saw his dad. The love of his life was gone. The one person who gave him everything was gone. I wanted answers, what in the world happened? Why is this happening? The answer: she didn't take care of herself. She had heart disease (which no one knew. We think she didn't even know) and her smoking and drinking made it happen much sooner than it should have. I'm not even going to go into the "if" she had done...she would still be here. All I know is this will not be me!
I want to see all my children grow, graduate, work, marry and give me some grand babies! I want to prove to myself and Dave and our family that I can say what I mean and mean what I say. I will be around, healthy and strong for many many years. I can see in Dave's eyes that he doesn't believe me yet. Heck I don't believe me yet, but I will do this! In a few weeks I am getting a gym membership to a gym that is open 24/7 and I will go no less them 3 times a week. I am looking into different vitamins, healthy weight loss products and energy boosters. Since I am nursing O I have noticed my appetite is raging so I am eating small meals throughout the day and making healthy choices. I have decided to not tell myself I can't have something but instead I can have it but in moderation. I'm setting boundaries for myself. I pray that I can follow them and show my family and friends that I am not a quitter. I can and will be healthy for the long haul. I choose life!!!
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